They are both growing up to be such different little girls, with their own individual likes, dislikes, quirks and sense of personality, and as I am sure every parent can relate, I love them both so much that it hurts.
I would love to spend every moment of every day with my girls. Watching films, colouring, make and do, baking, playing outside, taking the dogs for a walk, cuddling on the sofa... But it's just not possible.
I'm the first to admit that we do spoil the girls. They aren't bratty and ungrateful in the slightest, but if we happen to be out and about and one of them falls in love with a toy or really wants to go and do something, or asks us for a treat, then provided that they have asked politely and it's not an unreasonable request, nine times out of ten we oblige.
The girls are well fed, well dressed, we go on one abroad holiday plus a number of UK breaks per year, and we are lucky enough to live in a lovely house. But in order for us to give our children this life, Mr W and I both work full time.
And here's where the mum guilt comes in.
Am I a bad mum for leaving my children all day long while I go to work? And am I a bad mum for breathing a sigh of relief when they both go to bed at 7pm, so I can sit on the sofa in my onesie with a glass of wine and rest my tired, achy eyes?
It seems that if you are a stay at home mum, you are lazy and a scrounger. If you go to work you are selfish and not focused on your family. Why so much hate for mums?
I feel terrible for leaving my children, although admittedly R is at school for a large amount of that time. But I know that I couldn't provide everything that I want to for them, if I didn't work. Sure we could live fairly well on Mr W's wage, but there wouldn't be the treats or the holidays or the extra things we do like family days and meals out. And I don't want the girls to want for a thing.
I am a big believer in presence mattering more than presents, but at the same time, I would love the girls to grow up with an appreciation of different cultures and having experienced different countries, cuisines and seeing the world. I want them to grow up knowing that hard work allows you to have some of the things you want, with the knowledge that things don;t just fall into your lap and you need to go out and earn things - be that helping out with little jobs around the house to earn pocket money to buy a new toy, or later in life applying a good work ethic to achieve your career ambitions.
So does not spending all of my time with the girls, mean that I am a bad mum?
It's an exhausting, vicious circle that goes round and round in my mind. I would like to believe that I am instilling good principles in my children and that when they grow up they will see why and appreciate why I made these choices.
At the end of the day, it's all about making the best of the time you do spend together. Quality time without your phone in your hand. Let the children be children. Let them get absolutely filthy, explore the outdoors, bend the rules.
A good bath and a hot cycle on the washing machine soon has everyone back to rights.
Do you feel guilty about your choices, whether a stay at home mum or going out to work? Do you think there is an unfair and unnecessary stigma attached to both choices? I'd love to hear from you.
L xx
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