Growing up and looking back

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was be a grown up. I saw being an adult as a huge sense of freedom, power, and the ability to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

So growing up came as quite a shock.

I remember having a conversation with my Mum, one of my favourite sweets in the whole world was red liquorice laces, and I was frustrated that she would only let me have a few at a time. I told her that when I was a grown up, I'd buy a big bag from the shop and eat them all in one go. And I'd eat Nutella straight from the jar. And I wouldn't brush my teeth afterwards either.

She told me that when I was a grown up, I wouldn't want to do those things at all.

What really annoys me here, is that my Mum was right.

I had quite a colourful childhood, Mum went through some messy divorces and I was the stereotypical child stuck in the middle, and an overbearing step parent later led to me fleeing the nest far too early, making rash decisions and a few life choices that I wouldn't have made if I had been given the headspace to work things out.

I seemed to jump from being little me, to a grown up me living with someone much older, having a baby and having to grow up very, very fast.

Gone were the days of laying in grassy fields with my friends, dreaming of wedding days and floaty dresses. Gone were the nights of staying up all night watching Disney Pixar movies and feeling invincible as we heard Mum approaching the room and we would turn the TV off and pretend to be asleep. Gone was little innocent me, looking forward to so many wonderful things that adulthood would bring.

I wish I had known that no matter how hard things would get, I would get through it. There were some dark days that I struggled with, time when my Mum cut off contact and my Dad lived three hours away and was dealing with a lot of stuff himself, and I didn't know where to turn. My once enormous friendship circle became infinitely smaller after I had my eldest daughter - 20 year olds didn't have time or space to deal with a new Mum, they were out partying and having fun.

At times, there was only me to make things work. I had no idea how to look after the blonde haired, blue eyed angel that I had brought into the world, and I struggled daily with the pressures of life, and what I thought I might be missing out on, and where my life was going.

It was so, so very hard. I had no faith in myself and no faith in the father of my child (turns out my instincts were right but that's a different story), and above all else, I was terrified.

Looking back, I was a scared little girl. If I could meet younger me now, I would hold her so tight. I would whisper that it will all be ok, and that no problem is too much. I would remind her of everything that she had already come through in her 20 short years, and how well she had managed to deal with what might have broken people less strong.

If I stretch right back to five year old me, having that conversation with my Mum about the red liquorice, I'd giggle and cuddle her, and tell her that she could do whatever she wanted when she grows up. Because at the end of the day, why the hell can't you?

I'm now married, and the proud mother of two babies. Some days are still hard, old demons can be tricky to fight, but I'm winning the battle. The main thing I have learned through it all, is that we should love our babies and put them first. Partners and relationships should not affect our children, they should grow up cherished and wanted and made to feel like the most important thing in the world - because at the end of the day, that's exactly what they are.

I'd go to the ends of the earth and beyond for my girls, and that feeling is what makes me know that I've made it as a grown up. I've arrived.

Now pass me the Nutella and a spoon.

L xx