Enough is Enough

I'm well known for having a short fuse when it comes to people. And for having a pretty much non-existent brain-to-mouth filter. If I think it, I say it. My bad.

When people hurt me or let me down, I cut them off. Cold. Brutal. No more chances. I've had to learn a lot of very hard lessons in life that have got me to this stage, and I have to say I've been much happier for having this outlook. Yes people can still hurt me and disappoint me and let me down, but I make damn sure that they only do it once.

The circle of friends has become much smaller, much tighter. But I know that those friends would be there for me at the drop of a hat if I needed anything. Always at the end of the phone, always on the other end of a Skype call. My almost ex sister in law, an unbelievably amazing friend that drops everything for me whenever I start to crumble. My oldest and best friend lives all the way in Dubai; I'm lucky if I see her twice a year. But I know that when I'm crying my eyes out at 4am and don't know how to feel better, she's just an iMessage away. She's a rock, and there are thousands of miles between us. 

But why is it that people wait until you are at your most vulnerable to try and weasel their way back in, try to hurt you one more time? Christmas this year has literally been the most horrific experience. Many days I didn't even feel like getting dressed, let alone leaving the house. So many days I didn't. I wallowed in my own self pity, wishing the days and nights away, not wanting to see or speak to anyone. 

And then come New Year's Eve, the messages start coming in. Pain is pain, I get that, but coupled with everyone else's happiness and the general feeling of euphoria that was swilling around everywhere I've been these last few weeks, it was like a physical hurt. 

So sad little me spent New Year's Eve laid out on the sofa drinking copious amounts of wine, crying and hating life and the world. The messages came in and it felt like the world was caving in around me. Why do people feel the need to kick you when you're down? Those that see that you are weak and hurting, and then take the opportunity to really stick the knife in you some more.

So I wasted my last night of 2016. 

But I woke up on January 1st and made myself a promise. These messages were deleted, and the people that sent them? Essentially dead to me. Cut loose to wreak their havoc on other people, to ruin other people's lives. Because I'm worth more than that. No more wasted days and nights.

I still feel so angry, so wrung out inside, but it'll get better every day. I've said it before, but I'm a fighter and I'll keep on keeping on. With the help of my incredible friends and family I have made it through this first Christmas relatively unscathed, and managed to have a few laughs along the way too.

I've a long way to go before I get to the end of this particular battle, but I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. And no one will get in my way.

L xx