When you've had your heart broken it can be hard to let go again. New relationships shadowed by the fear of what's gone before, the constant niggling doubt that history might repeat itself.
It's difficult to trust again.
As someone with so much self doubt, so much self loathing after all that has gone before, it's been a big adjustment for me.
Someone tells you that you are beautiful, and in the back of your mind all you can think is "I'm really not, I don't believe you, you're just going to hurt me like all the others".
It's hard to move on from everything that has shaped you into what you are today, from the hurt and the anger and the frustration of all the broken promises. The pain caused by people that you trusted and loved and thought would be there for you forever.
Living your life in fear of what might go wrong is no way to live. It's not a life, just an existence. And someone who has never given you any reason not to trust them, deserves your trust. All of it.
I'm learning that the best way forward is to jump in head first. Albert Einstein once said "there are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." So I'm trying to believe that everything is a miracle.
I've learned plenty of hard lessons over the years, and there are many things that I let go at the time that I really shouldn't have. I'm stronger and more determined, and a better person for it.
Roosevelt said that "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". Words to live by.
I'm happy, and I'm happy being happy. For the first time in a long time I'm positive about the future.
This is a new happy.
L xx
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