A bit of soul searching never goes amiss. The long sleepless nights spent staring at the ceiling, wishing that sleep would arrive, and running through everything in your head.
Lately I have spent many sleepless hours with my mind running overdrive, a swirl of chaos whooshing around and making me question everything. My choices, my actions, my future.
What did I do wrong? Did I make the right decision? Am I happier? Where do I go from here?
I question myself daily. Or rather nightly. The joys of being an insomniac mean that there is plenty of time for this existential angst. The days pass in a blur of coffee, tiredness and keeping busy. The niggles rest, at least for a time, while I go about my every day life being a mum and working and trying to keep everything in order. On the outside at least.
It's funny how going through these times in your life, separates those who say they are there, from those who really are. The ones who just want to know the gossip, from the ones who you can call or text late at night when you're in pieces and need a friendly voice. The ones who drop everything and drive two hours up the motorway to hold your hand and help you build furniture, and ply you with wine and takeaway because you're an emotional mess.
And then you have those who really should be there for you, those related by blood who choose that very moment to make you feel like a thorn in their side, that you're an attention seeking nuisance and don't match up to their standards. I've always been the black sheep of the family, the outcast, the one that scribbled out the boxes instead of filling them with a perfectly neat tick.
Just when you're figuring out this enormous mess, you'll find that everyone knows everything about you that you didn't know yourself. The gossip. The rumour mill. The stories about what you've been up to, who with, and all of it bull shit. There will be people telling everyone the private business that you've been deliberately keeping under wraps, because it's none of anyone's damn business.
It's a heady cocktail, and it's no wonder there are so many sleepless nights.
2016 has been an absolute bitch of a year. Losing friends, ending my marriage, finding hope only for it to be crushed, and fighting the black dog. It lurks in the shadows and rears its ugly head whenever the hell it feels like it, no rhyme or reason, no warning, no logic.
Mental health is a taboo subject for many, it's an invisible battle that so many fight, that people are so quick to judge because they don't understand it. Depression isn't something that people choose to suffer with, you can't "just cheer up". You might have the perfect life (whatever that might be) and still be plagued by depression. Taking medication isn't a weakness, it's a sign that you acknowledge that you need help. It's proof that you're strong enough to take steps to get better.
Someone with depression won't necessarily look sad. They might laugh and joke with you, smile whenever you see them, they might look like they haven't got a care in the world. Underneath it all, they could be in emotional turmoil.
I've not shared my story with many people at all before, but I know it resonates with many. We're in this fight together, to get better, to feel better, to move on from a life with the black dog on our backs. It's a battle I've fought since my early teens, I've won it so many times only to fall victim again without warning. But I'll never stop fighting.
2016 has been terrible, but 2017 will be better. No "new year, new me", just a new year FOR me. I will fight, I will win, and I will look back on this time as a huge journey which has moulded me and grown me and proven just how strong I really am. I can do this. I've got this. And I hope anyone else fighting, can believe in this too.
L xx
No comments:
Post a Comment